Three Relationship Expectations to Avoid

Another relationship has turned sour. The magic is lost. Sometimes it seems like a bad tide comes through, and suddenly, everything wonderful about your relationship with your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse, has disappeared. The reason that the relationship probably failed was because one or both of you had expectations that were impossible to meet. This does not imply that you shouldn’t seek the best characteristics in a partner. The key is that what you are looking for is already visible in the person, which also means that you know what you want. However, taking the following measuring sticks to a potential partner will often lead, sooner or later, to a bitter parting:

Expectation 1: I will change them. Everyone is guilty of trying to change their loved ones. We do it to our children and closest family, blaming our forcefulness on the potential we see in them. What we forget, is that encouragement, not hounding, is the only way to lead someone to a choice or change, and that still does not guarantee success. Encouragement is what gives your loved ones confidence and self-worth. Self-worth is what motivates people to do something that they have always wanted to do. Notice, that whatever change it is, it has to be something that they really want to do, not something that you want them to do.

Expectation 2: They will make me happy. There is no evidence that we can rely on other people for our happiness. Having people in our lives who love us will often make us feel happier and more fulfilled, but that is only because we have let ourselves be happy in the first place. Unhappiness with ourselves festers and spreads to other people. Expecting that somehow, your lover will be able to cure you of your fears, insecurities and imperfections, can put such a strain on them, that they will want to run as far away from you as they can. Remember that one of the main things that people want from a relationship is companionship, which implies an equality, and cooperation between two individuals, not one person leaning on the other for a mental and emotional cure. If your despair is overwhelming the relationship, then get help from objective professionals that you trust.

Expectation 3: We will never hurt each other. That would be great. Unfortunately, we have to continually lick wounds from fights. Sometimes there are periods of growth between the two of you that cause you to rub each other wrong. Things will be said. Things won’t be said. Sometimes the pain will be overwhelming. Luckily, most of us can be quite tough for love. This does not mean that you should accept or commit abusive behavior of any kind. Hurting each other should be treated like an annoying pest – catch it when it’s there, remove it, and find ways to prevent more of it.

We should expect that we are, and will be, loved by our closest companion. We should expect that they will try to be as good to us as they can. What we can’t expect is that we can change them into anything else than what they are. If you think that having your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse in your life is going to save you from yourself and make you happy, then you will both become unhappy. To be successful with your relationship, you have to accept that there will be tough times, which almost seem like they are devoid of love. Avoiding expectation mistakes will not save every relationship, but they will help create an environment for understanding and accepting one another.